“Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results” –Albert Einstein
My Grammy passed away about 7 months ago and I still experience moments, and sometimes days of heavy grief, and heartache, often times sobbing uncontrollably. These crying jags seem to come on at the most inconvenient times, like when I am at the grocery store, or in line at a coffee shop, but mostly in public. Luckily, each time this has happened, the people around me have been kind and understanding. We are all human and have ALL been there done that, so I don‘t beat myself up over it like I once would have.
This grief was not only plaguing me with sadness and heartbreak, but it seemed to trigger other explosive emotions as well. Old emotions I must have bottled up and stuffed in my heart years back were resurfacing and filling me with fear, anger, mistrust, and even hate. These emotions were intensifying by the moment, making me feel completely out of control and out of touch with me. I seriously wondered if I was I having a nervous breakdown or going insane?
Like a ravenous out of control rabid animal in the wild, my eyes zeroed on my prey, my husband. The beast within was unleashed, and with heavy breathing, teeth snarling, and hands flying my husband was forced to pay the price for every person who has ever hurt me, every person I have ever lost, and every wound that was EVER inflicted upon my heart. I could only see red, the logical me was gone, and was replaced with blind rage!
For the very first time, I allowed myself to fully feel this rage and pain, as I consciously watched myself from a distance. I decided I was ready to do things differently, so in a moment of desperation and need to get to the bottom of this self destructive behavior, not only for the benefit of myself, but for all of the innocent people around me, I began my search for help.
I sifted through the many self-help books I’ve collected throughout the years and pulled out a book by Eckhart Tolle called “A NEW earth“. I sat down and began to read about what he describes to be the pain body, and was so relieved to find out that I was normal and am going to be o.k., there was no straight jacket needed here, what a relief!.
Eckhart Tolle first begins by explaining that emotions are another dimension of the ego, or rather turn in to ego when you identify with them. It is at that point when you allow your emotions to take over, and become “I” that they become a problem.
Emotions are the bodies reaction to your mind, that is often attached and unwilling to let go of the past.
Tolle says that the pain body is a semi-autonomous energy form that lives within most human beings. It is its own entity made up of emotion. It is much like a cunning animal and its intelligence is directed primarily on survival.
The pain body is addicted to unhappiness and thrives on making others unhappy to feed itself. Some pain bodies can live for weeks, months or even years in hibernation until something triggers it. It can be triggered by the most trivial situation or even just a thought, before you know it you are a volcano erupting and out of control, your thinking becomes deeply negative as if a dark cloud has just moved within you. When I read this, I was so relieved, that’s me!!
Eckhart explains that the way to be free of this pain body is not to identify with it, don’t make it you, just recognize it for what it is. The more you practice this the more the pain-body will diminish, because you are no longer feeding it, it has nothing to live on.
I had been repeating this same self-destructive pattern for years, bottling things up until something or someone triggers my old emotions or pain-body. Once released I destroy everything in my path and am left jobless, friendless, and with guilt and pain.
Now I know when my pain body begins to act up, because I can recognize that nasty and condescending voice in my head as it pipes in and tries to instigate another fight with me. I chuckle, and say to myself…”Oh it’s you again” and turn up the radio in my car and start singing a tune.