“As he [the gnani] gets older, he grows more and more happy and peaceful. After all, he is going home. Like a traveler nearing his destination and collecting his luggage, he leaves the train without regret. The reel of destiny is coming to its end - the mind is happy. The mist of bodily existence is lifting - the burden of the body is growing less from day to day.”
-Nisargadatta Maharaj (this was given to me by one of my teachers just before the passing of my Grammy)
I lost my dear Grammy 7 months ago. This was an enormous loss for me, because she was not just ANY woman, she was an exceptional woman, she was amazingly kind and selfless, always putting others before herself. I could always count on her to provide me with that safe cozy place where I could run and hide from the world when it seemed to be too cold and scary. I knew she would shine a light on its darkness and shower me with her love, I always knew that with her I belonged and she brought out the best in me. I was fortunate to learn so many wonderful life lessons from her, ones that I will carry along with me my entire life, and will also pass on to my children.
She is often on my mind, and in my writing. If you have experienced grief then you know it brings excruciating pain, sadness, and an intense and desperate need to see or contact the person who has passed away, in any way possible. My faith is and for the most part has always been strong, but I still feel this intense longing for an obvious, in your face sign assuring me that my Grammy is at peace now. Believe me, I would do just about anything to physically hug her again, but I know that is not impossible, in this life anyway. So for these past months I have been on a lonely quest for her whereabouts.
After my Grandpa, Uncle, and Mama passed away, I dreamt the most uplifting, unforgettable and healing dreams about each one of them assuring me they were okay. I have known in my heart of hearts that this would be the same way my Grammy would contact me. I have spent each night before bed since she has passed away hoping and praying that this would be the night she would come to visit me.
I am so happy to say, that last night I had that dream!
I was at the grocery store, looking down at a large basket of colorful fruit, I was fully present in my task, picking up and feeling each piece and deciding which ones I’d be taking home. Everything around me seemed clouded and hazy with sparks of warm golden light woven in between, like stardust. I glanced up from the fruit and saw my lovely Grammy standing at a distance proudly watching me and smiling contently, it felt so comfortable and familiar.
I ran to her and everything around us faded away, all that existed was she and I quietly looking at each other. She looked exactly as I remember her when I saw her last, her thin bouffant hairdo, her sweet smile and her frail little shoulders. She was dressed in royal blue.
We gazed into each other’s eyes, neither of us moving a muscle or saying a word, but both intuitively knowing this is the only moment we have. Then, it was as if I became conscious and aware that I was dreaming. I was able to put our blissful moment on pause, and we were frozen in eternity, taking it all in.
Then, it was as if a part of me stepped out of my body, and stood beside myself, yet I could still sense myself sleeping and breathing with this image of us looking at each other still frozen in my mind’s eye.I could hear her whisper into my ear, I could even feel the warmth of her breath, as if she were standing beside my bed. She said, “I am better off babe, now you just go and have your fun”.
This dream helped me to realize that she IS, and always will BE part of me. She is the observer, the presence and calm quiet voice within.
She is my courage, that unexpected strength during those times in life when everything else seems to be falling to pieces. Even though I can’t physically see or touch her, I know she is never far, and will always be here in spirit whenever I need her.
She is PEACE, I AM LOVE, and together we are ONE.