My Mom called me…spewing venom, berating me, telling me all the things she thought I SHOULD be doing, all the ways I SHOULD be acting, placing demands, and expectations on me, reminding me of all the rotten things I have done, and all the ways I have acted out of line with what SHE wanted me to do. Seriously, if she was in front of me, I think she probably would have strangled me, and gouged my eyes out, that was the degree of her wrath. The longer, she went on, and on, and on, spewing anger through the phone line, I could feel my blood pressure rising, and my heart beating faster. I began to feel cornered and trapped like a rabid animal, I was ready to attack. And then just like a tea kettle, I couldn’t keep a lid on it any longer, so I exploded. Like a maniac, I lost all reasoning, saw red, as I started screaming right back at her, it was utter chaos, and confusion. Either of us could hear anything outside of the frenzy of our frustrations and rage. It was a insane mess, a mess we had been in countless times before. I couldn’t take it any more so I hung up on her.
I sat down and took some deep breaths and found my center again. This was a pattern for us, and she has been the ONE person in my life that has been a MAJOR thorn in my side, I have had the greatest difficulty learning how to get along with her, let alone being in the same room with her without getting angry. I was tired of this old way, it was becoming too exhausting, physically and emotionally. I needed to find a solution, I have had a drama filled life, and made a promise to myself that the second part of my life would be peaceful.
I spent some quiet time listening to the voice within, and realized that the issue here was about boundaries. In the past I have had a major issue with defining boundaries not only for myself but for others, because of my relationship with my Mom. I would frequently get myself into relationships where the other person would over step my boundaries, and I wouldn’t say anything, because of my fears of making the other person angry by rocking the boat. I asked ME why I kept creating and attracting this same situation in my life? Why were my Mom and others feeling as though they can treat me this way? Put demands on me, tell me how to live my life and most importantly WHY was I ALLOWING this in my life?
So I looked at myself in the mirror, and although when I first saw me I didn’t want to face it, but this is the year of truth, and I have courage to bring with me. The truth was, It was ME who had also had an awful habit of being pushy, of being demanding of others, and expecting that because I wanted something a certain way, or had certain expectations, the other person must comply what I want. If the other person didn’t act as I saw fit, then I’d get upset, and retreat selfishly, playing on the other persons guilty conscience. I know first hand how this feels to be pushed around, and dis-respected, and it was a real eye opener when I realized it was ME that had been doing this to many people. I wanted to puke when I realized, that I was acting like my Mother.
Each person has their own right of free will and must be allowed to live their lives as they wish, even if you don’t agree with it. It is their life, not yours. I realized that I needed to set limitations and boundaries for myself, as well as hold the utmost respect for others limitations and boundaries. We have to know what our limitations are as well as others to keep our relationships in a healthy balance. We also have to love ourselves enough to speak our truth and have the courage to tell others what you will and will not take, in a loving way of course. When you put expectations or demands on someone you are attempting to take away their freedom, and we all have the right to have the freedom to live our lives as we wish.