A dark, dense blanket of sorrow weighs heavily upon me tonight. I am trapped in my body, swimming in my angst, fear, and dread. My heart is frantic and my breath is short from the terror of knowing that I have nowhere to run, no where to hide, from me. I long for all that I have lost, mourning the countless disappointments I have endured. I am lost, alone and broken.
In the silence of the night, I travel alone into the deep pain that has laid dormant within the center of my heart. I have spent years stowing and accumulating pain, sadness, fear, sorrow, and grief, hidden behind fake smiles and the words “yeah I am o.k”.
With each loss that I had stuffed the further away from my innocence I had traveled. Which each trauma or pain I release the closer I get to my innocence, once again. I have been asleep, numb, closed off to love and frozen in time.
I think about how many things I have done in the past to avoid feeling pain. How many pills I had popped, how many drinks I had consumed, relationships I had run from, bridges I had burned, and hearts I had broken.
This is my awakening, my decision to evolve and love again. To open that door that I have kept locked all these years. The door had been opened, and these tears just keep flowing, the depth of feeling encapsulates my soul, I know I am alive, as painful as this seems, I am alive!.
Immersed within the darkness and sadness of my heart exposed by myself, honoring ME enough to allow myself to cry, to be heard by ME. I have decided to accept me, for me, just as I am, the good and the bad, the light and the dark. To comfort me, the little girl in me that was too afraid to feel these feelings, that was terrified, alone and separated. I have decided to see me. It is time.
I am going to embrace my darkness, to dance with it and allow myself to truly feel it, to listen to it’s cries, it’s agony, and its need for love. As embarrassing, and shameful as it may seem, as terrified as I am to look at it, I am going to bring it out into the light of love that shines within me, and have compassion for it, compassion for me.
I AM my darkness and I AM my light.
I am not perfect nor will I ever be. I have many sides and some of them are dark, jealous, wrathful, and envious, but they are just a small part of me, they are not all of me. I also have love, joy and compassion.
I will no longer condemn myself for being human, for being dual natured, for being me. Instead I will allow my duality to integrate and unify as I accept and love all of me.
I love my darkness and yours!