As a matter of fact, I was so miserable with my life I felt as though I had fallen into a black hole that I could not get out of. With each day that would pass, I was sinking deeper and deeper, further and further away from myself. I had become a woman who was unfeeling, lost and alone. I was lower than I had ever been my entire life, nothing was helping, no one. I simply did not care anymore. I lost all will and desire for life and the walls around me were closing in fast.
It was at that eternal moment, as I laid on the floor crying and begging the gracious unseen forces for help, that I clearly saw my life laid out ahead of me that I knew I had two choices. I could either lose myself and soul completely by being so far gone and out of touch with love and living or I could make a drastic change to wake up, go within and courageously search for the light and find myself once again.
At the beginning of my journey to self I blamed my husband (currently ex-husband), I blamed the circumstances of my life thus far, I blamed my parents, I blamed anything and anyone I could think of for the misery, coldness and sadness that I was feeling in my heart.
The truth was, no one could have ever made me happy. I was incapable of being happy because I did not love myself or even know myself. I never took the time to check in with me and find out how I was doing. I couldn't be grateful for anything in my life that was good because I couldn’t feel. I was too afraid to feel. I was terrified to look into my heart and to listen. I knew of the years of pain that I had stuffed there.
So to avoid focusing within I would focus without, at others to make me happy; making judgements about how others should be living, or rescuing people, sacrificing myself, overworking; trying to be the perfect mom the perfect wife, the perfect healer and daughter and so on, until I had no energy left, nothing.
So I finally stopped playing the role of the victim and decided to take the responsibility for my own life into my own hands. I was ready to create my own happiness, knowing now that my life would be what I make it and I would give others the freedom to make of their lives as they wish.
When I finally mustered up the courage to look within, I must say, my heart was a disastrous mess. I would be taking lots of notes and inventory and there was a lot of hard work and clearing ahead. But I was ready and willing to do anything to love again, to let go of the pain of the past and create a beautiful life for myself and my children.
So today I declare after 10 straight months of repair, and tuning up my heart, I believe I have reached my goal. I can love once again. Just in time for Valentine’s Day and I know this is corny, but true, “I am the one I have been waiting for”. For the first time I have such a deep compassion and a certain gentleness for myself and now even more so for others. I can truly feel such gratitude for my life and for everyone who chooses to be in it.
I am blessed and so are you! Happy Valentine’s Day!
If you have ever felt like I have in the past, I would be honored to assist you in releasing and straightening the mess in your heart, so I am running a Valentine's Day Heart Healing special for only $40!! (normally $69)