My Grams passing was
the straw that broke the camels back,all the pain, anger and terror I had suppressed my entire life came to a head and I exploded...I couldn’t take it anymore. I looked at my life, I was addicted to pain medication, in a loveless marriage, and totally unfulfilled and unhappy, I hated myself and my life. I despised the person I had become. I wanted nothing more than to be free. So I got a divorce, broke up the family, moved out on my own and started a whole new life, one that I was sure would make me happy.
After 8 years of marriage, having freedom was exciting, I could experience new things, meet new people, and be that “free spirit” I always thought myself to be. I thought “this is freedom, going with the flow and seeing where it takes me”. For a while this was such an amazing and exciting trip, I was absolutely loving it, totally blissed out. Traveling from one exciting experience to the next. Not thinking about consequences, or anyone else, just living my life as I wished, on my own terms, it felt great!. I cleaned up my act, stopped taking prescription medications, and was living a healthy lifestyle. But like everything else, the new experiences and all the “love” that I thought I was feeling wore off. I thought love was the one thing that was sustainable? It had me confused. Then I realized I was mistaking “love” for my own selfish desires, I had just replaced my prescription addiction with my new found “love addiction”. I was submerged in a world of desire for newness, experience, and attention. This was only masking the pain I still carried with me. When I realized that these experiences and fleeting friendships which I considered to be “love” were not real, I really hit a rock bottom. “Now what” I looked around once again yet this time I found myself Alone in a little apartment, not much left with 2 little girls to raise. I was still the same person, scared, unhappy, and filled with pain. On top of it, I no longer had a complete family unit, and my grounding was gone. I was lost in my own unrealistic sea, and had no one to blame for it other than myself.
Who am I? what am I doing? Where am I going? And what am I searching for?. When I realized that there was nothing to search for, and nowhere to go, I was faced with that same fact once again that it was me that was the mess…and my biggest problem. I could no longer run to love addiction, or any other type of addiction because now I was conscious of myself. There was nowhere to run and nowhere to hide.
The truth really hurt, I left everyone behind for my freedom, my selfishness. All the people who have always been there for me. I couldn’t care anymore I was too hurt, life had done a job on me. Sure I could love, but not deeply, I realized I didn’t know how, because I couldn’t love myself deeply. Then I looked back on my childhood and I remember asking my Mom why she didn’t love me…she said “she did not know how”. I realized how we just keep on repeating the same stories of our parents and their parents and so on until we do something to change it. I ran away in search for freedom because I wanted to be free of myself. Be free of all the pain, anger and resentment I had accumulated from my childhood. Yet here I am. With my 2 children and a bunch of burned bridges behind me.
So please think about it when you leave everything in search for “freedom”. What are you searchingfor? and what are you really looking to be free of? I can assure you that there is nothing out there that will make you happy. It starts right here, within yourself. Believe me, I know first hand how difficult and scary it can be to look at ourselves or even to be with ourselves, but I assure you the only way to ever feel comfortable is to truly feel comfortable and accepting of your ownself.
Broken homes, broken families and lost morals have gotten us so far from our roots, so far from home, and has caused so much pain for many. I can attest to that first hand. I see how it has affected my childhood and carried on into my entire life. I am just happy that I can see this now, so I can make a difference for my children and break the cycle. Let’s stick together, live for each other, and care for each other again. Peace.
“One must say Yes to life, and embrace it wherever it is found - and it is found in terrible places... For nothing is fixed, forever and forever, it is not fixed; the earth is always shifting, the light is always changing, the sea does not cease to grind down rock. Generations do not cease to be born, and we are responsible to them because we are the only witnesses they have. The sea rises, the light fails, lovers cling to each other, and children cling to us.The moment we cease to hold each other, the moment we break faith with one another, the sea engulfs us and the light goes out.”
James Baldwin(1924 - 1987)
Here is a link for my new private radio show I talk a little about the shadow self