This article is from my column in Bellesprit.com an amazing online psychic magazine I write for...check my page out at:
Imagine putting all the bad thoughts and anger you have ever projected towards anyone, all the times you have judged somebody and any other unpleasant feelings you have ever repressed into a shadow…then set it right in front of you.
I have been lost in a dark sea of negative emotions the past couple weeks. Feeling weighed down by my heavy heart and overcome with anger, sadness and grief. Mercury retrograde has the tendency to bring these unpleasant feelings to the surface, so I decided to use this time wisely to re-think and re-evaluate my life. I had to muster up all the faith and courage I had to face my pain and to take a close look at my heart and ask myself “what’s wrong?” In looking to my heart I did not expect to meet face to face with the monster that appeared to me last night. That monster was my own shadow self.
I will try and describe how it felt to meet my shadow self…Imagine putting all the bad thoughts and anger you have ever projected towards anyone, all the times you have judged somebody and any other unpleasant feelings you have ever repressed into a shadow…then set it right in front of you. Your own mirror of all the things you have ever been ashamed of or hated about yourself, right there inside you. Your own karma created by none other than you! I wanted so badly to run, but I knew I could not run from me, and that was one of the most terrifying realizations I have ever had.I felt trapped by my own fears. My heart was pounding, I was anxious and shaky. I kept reminding myself over and over again to try to breathe and relax, but my stomach turned with a dark eerie sick feeling. I was just delivered the biggest piece of humble pie I have ever received! This is proof that the truth isn’t always pretty.
What would I do now that I have seen my awful ways so clearly? Part of me couldn’t stand to be in my own body consciously knowing these parts of myself. I felt so guilty and ashamed at myself for hurting so many people with my mean and selfish ways. How could I be so cruel? I knew I had to pull myself together and think rationally. I needed to decide how I was going to handle this monstrous piece of myself. I knew I could either condemn myself for all I had seen in my shadow, and let it take over my life, or I could use this experience as an opportunity to forgive and accept these ugly parts of myself I had hidden for what seemed like lifetimes. I decided I would love and forgive these nasty parts of me. I spent many tears feeling the repercussions of my own actions, and much time sending out etheric apologies to all the people I had wronged, silently asking for forgiveness.
I now know, first hand, how everything you do has an imprint on your life and the lives of others. This imprint (or karma) stays with you until you are able to take responsibility for your actions, rectify the situation and clear it. With this new found awareness I vow to do the best that I can to be wise in all of my decisions thinking of all those involved and acting with compassion and thoughtfulness.