Now that I have made the decision to ground it feels so
dense here…this plane alone feels heavy and sad. You feel like you can’t
surrender here because there are too many dangerous and uncomfortable energies to contend with. You feel like you have to remain in an uncomfortable defensive state that is ready for battle to protect
yourself (this is the animal kingdom). In order to survive here you must be on high alert at
all times. This is totally exhausting and hard on the body.
I realized because of the pain I had suffered as a child and
in order to control my environment, to make it more pleasant for me, I became
manipulative, and instilled fear into others when I had to, this is how I survived in the animal kingdom.
If anyone were to bully or scare me,
I would become more fearful, strange and dark.
I actually adopted a gothic look, because I knew the mysteriousness and darkness would
repel people and I would be left alone. I also became the rebel at times fighting
against all systems and social injustice creating problems and noise for all that was in my
I was sick of being bullied and I was ready to fight back.
I am noticing how these control issues lasted into adulthood…and
now I am seeing them for what they are.
I am asking myself does reality have to
be this destructive scary place that it has always been for me? And do I have
to participate in the fight? Isn't that my choice?
In thinking about the world as...lets say a matrix, and imagine that everyone holds their own matrix that is designed by all their programming and perceptions, and we attract others with a similar matrix into ours, because they are compatible. Then why am I attracting
people who instill fear, and want to fight and scare me? That's pretty easy, because my childhood was that way, so I am attracting what I know.
Makes sense now…I
also see it for what it is, since I am that scared child as well.
We are all just children inside, acting as if we are grown
up, trying to make it here…I am learning more every day about this reality and
so grateful to see it so clearly.
In choosing to open our eyes and look at those things we
have not wanted to see, we can shift and change our reality to a more pleasant
picture, suited to fit our desires through a change in our perception. As my dad always said about life, "Think of what you’d like your picture to look like and paint it"