I have spent a lot of time alone in the last few months. Took a break from my normal social structure, to really look within and ask myself who am I? minus the analogies I was following or who the “crowd” said I “should be”. You see I had this “idea” that I had to love everyone, be open all the time to anything that came my way, because it was meant to be that way. But I lost a very important tool along the so called “love” path and that was discernment. I wanted to believe everyone was good, trustworthy and honest, I really, really did with all my heart want to believe that. In an "ideal" world, they would be. But I forgot to take one very important thing into account, human nature. So in a way I was walking around in “blind faith” without taking the time to really contemplate the truth of situations and what was actually and realistically happening. I was under “loves spell” without incorporating daily reality. This was just one extreme. In a sense I think I followed this way by choosing to believe everything was all love all the time, as an escape from reality and the truth of how I would see things if I took my blinders off.
Well over the course of the past few months I removed my rose colored glasses, and I have to be honest I did not like what I saw, it sent me spiraling into a sea of sadness and depression because the truth is not always pretty. Mind you, this is only my perspective and please take from it what feels true to you, but this is what I have gathered through my plethora of experiences and here is my conclusion and my truth as to what is realistically happening.
I chose to take everyone’s kind and loving words and believe them to be true without having any back up, or taking time to actually see if the nice words matched the persons energy and actions, and when I realized that they were not adding up most of the time I began to get disheartened. I started asking myself, are there any real and honest people out there? Are people just using you to get what they want and their own needs met? was I being used?. The answer is sad but true, and that is yes.
Most of the time people are out to get their own selfish needs met, and I was not noticing much compromise. Then I asked myself, how am I setting myself up for this and putting myself in these situations? The answer was my lack of discernment, denial and not wanting to see the truth. I also had a lack of boundaries, and respect for myself, I am no victim and I take responsibility for my part in all these situations.
While this hurt deeply I also woke up, and was able to shift my focus to see what was real, who was real, or who was just spewing fluffy love colored airy words. Actions do speak louder than words. How do we show up here? What are we telling people by our actions? Do they match the talk? Are we walking our talk? Now I am not pointing fingers, because in order to see this I had to see into my own bullshit.
Using “love” to open hearts with no real intention to love them, this to me was wrong. I would rather make it obvious if I am not interested or not feeling loving feelings then to pretend to be. Perhaps that may make me seem like a bitch, and so be it. What I realized that my respect for bitchy tell it like it is straight shooters has increased tremendously, because it is honest.
See this is being true to yourself, not people pleasing because you cannot bare to think that someone may not like you. This shows honor for people, because you are not setting them up to believe you are someone you are not, and then letting them down like they have been their whole lives, adding more pain to an already damaged heart. I think the world needs more truth and honesty. Honest about how we are feeling, cutting to the chase and not wasting time.
I choose to have my relationships be meaningful and real, and if they are not…I move along. The deceit has gotten out of control as we compartmentalize our lives out of our own need to be loved without thinking about how our actions will effect others, and without reflecting on the right thing to do for everyone. Every action we take has a consequence, and needy, desperate and self serving actions such as needing to love everyone just because it is you that seeks adoration and being the so called “good guy or girl” is very selfish and hurtful. It is setting people up to fall in love with you, even though you know inside you have no intentions to really love them. Yes it may mean more time alone, and that your world and the people in it gets much smaller, but it also means that the love you will have in your life will be true, real and grounded.
I am patient, I would rather be alone then to have shallow love. Life is too short for something so meaningless, which only brings elated feeling for a short time anyway.